Oh Freetime, I Miss You So

I pretty much haven't been writing about running because I pretty much don't have time to write about running :)

I HAVE been running, though not as much as I want to. It's funny because I was going to say that I haven't been running very much, but in comparison to how many days I used to run it's pretty much the same...3x a week. However, I haven't been able to get ANY cross training in. AND those 3x a week that I run seem all the more precious/vital/frustrating because I have no freetime to do anything else (you know, like clean my apartment, which currently looks like a bomb hit it).

Frazzled?

Yes, to say the least. I am still trying to figure out this whole balance thing. I always thought that having the flexibility to work from home would be great because I could have the best of both worlds -- staying at home to take care of Liam, yet still feelling fufilled by working. Instead it just means that I have to work around everyone's schedule except my own. So, even though Liam is getting 12 hours of sleep a night, and Bill is getting 8 hours of sleep a night, I am going going going from the time I wake up (7am) to the time I go to bed (1am on the nights that I work). This means that my runs (and my life) is exhausting AND runs are pretty much the last thing I want to do when I have time to myself.

I am hoping that this will work itself out soon. :( But in the meantime I am trying to back off of myself a little. This means (deep breath) no Flying Pig Marathon. I kind of decided this a couple of weeks ago when I missed two long runs and felt my mileage was now totally screwed up. But I talked to Bill and we decided to "wait and see"...keep training for the marathon, but decide on the day of it whether or not to do the whole or the half. This sounded good at the time.

Then I went through this whole "why do I run" thing. I mean seriously, I was kind of hating on running. A lot. And let's face it: I think I was trying to do this spring marathon to prove to myself that I was still the same old me who could run 2 marathons a year, and to prove to everyone else that I was truly hard core, and to get some kind of crazy body that I've never actually had (more muscular, flat six-packy abs). That's not fun. Running used to be fun. I started thinking about when I trained for my first marathon and how it was so fun and even though it was hard it was kind of an adventure to go for those long runs. I felt so accomplished. And I felt part of a cool tribe of people. I wanted to be like the multiple marathoners in the Roncker's group. They were such cool people. And I also felt like I was becoming one of them. I mean, come on, I used to cry a little sometimes on long runs because I loved them so much and felt so moved by them.

So the new goal is to get back that love. And to run the half marathon. And enjoy it. And not worry so much about all the other crap.

Of course I came to this revelation on a run. (How cliche.)

I also felt like if I ran the marathon and didn't do well I would be crushed...even though just completing the marathon would have been a great accomplishment. That would have made it even harder to run my next one. And since my next one is NYC in November, I want to be in a good place (mentally) with running. I have been waiting to run this race for three years.

Erghhhhhhh. Change. I never deal with it well.
So, we're back to where we started 3 years ago. Not worrying about time, not worrying about past runs, just going out there to have a good time.