SOS: Trying to Beat the Mental Game, The Middle Miles

I had to go to the bathroom.

REALLY REALLY badly. And I had just passed a port-o-let not too far away, which meant that another one was probably really far away. And I was already losing the mental game with myself, so I tried to tell myself this: It's no big deal to stop now. In fact, it's so much better to stop now, because you are way ahead of pace. If you stop at the end you will be mad at yourself. This just gets it out of the way.

YAY! Wherever it was that the Marines were giving out oranges there were two port-o-lets. Of course there was a line. And one person in line was a non-runner, which sort of made me really angry, like "Hey! Let me in front of you!" But I knew that this was also just my anxiety talking. Sensibly I knew that this man had every right to the port-o-let too. I kept looking at my watch and flipping out and the girl behind me was like "I KNOW, right?"

Back in the game with a 13:38 for the 10th mile. TRIED not to look at the pace bracelet to see how far off pace I was. (And I was off pace, even though I had "banked" time in the beginning, which, everyone knows, you SHOULDN'T do.)

Mile 11 - 9:12. Good. (At this point, I was like, "Yeah. Hey, if it feels good, it's good.")

Mile 12 - 9:21. I would like to tell you about the course, but the honest truth is, that I don't remember. I think at this point I was running by the Mall. At some point it got very very narrow and we could only run with two runners across. It was tense, but at the same time it gave me energy. This was good, because while I still felt pretty good I could tell that I was starting to drain.

Mile 13 - 9:23. I was like "Hey! I just finished a half marathon!!!" Because really, at this point I was still feeling like I had a ton more energy than I did at the Staten Island half and the miles were flying by. But the little devil Emily on my shoulder was like "Uh, well you SHOULD have more energy than your half marathon. For one, you are going slower, and for two you are only HALFWAY finished. Oh, and did you notice that you are gaining time? By the end you will be doing 11:00 miles." I tried tried tried to stay positive, but it is sometimes hard to shut up that little voice.

Mile 14 - 9:47. Panic. Because I was feeling like the "Death Drain" that you see when you are trying to beat Tom Morello in Guitar Hero and just can't do it. And? It was only mile 14. I told myself to pick it up a bit, but not too much.

Mile 15 - 9:19. For some sick reason, this made me feel better. Even though I should have known better because it was not in my window. I was like "SEE! I CAN do it!" At this point I needed all the optimism I could get, so when I ran over the 25k mat I was like "Whoo-hoo!" quietly, which made the guy next to me laugh. I mean, really, I had no idea how much 25K was, but I did know that a marathon was 40-something K.

Mile 16 - 9:44. I was like "That's ok. Pick it up in the next one." This just shows how demented I was at this point. Because what I should have been saying was "Perfect! Right on target!" But no, I was telling myself to speed up.

Mile 17 - 9:35. Maybe I regained my senses because I was like "Perfect!" But I also felt like I was dying. Like "OK. That was a good run. I'm finished." Which sucks. You are NOT supposed to hit the wall at 17. I told myself I was almost at the bridge, which was my next big milestone. Everyone wanted us to "beat the bridge." If you beat the bridge, you were okay.

Mile 18 - 10:00. This seemed like the longest mile of all eternity. I actually felt like if I logged a 12:00 I would have been happy. I was so done at this point. I told myself that I was doing great and that I needed to make <10:00 on the next one and to just focus on that next mile.

Mile 19 - This was also rough. I felt like I was dying. At this point I was like "Come on, Emily. You haven't hit the wall. You are still pretty much on pace. In your first marathon you felt great until mile 22. Let's do that again. Just make it to mile 22." I logged a 9:44 and congratulated myself.